We all know what it feels like to want to give up. We all know what it feels like to be embarrassed. We all know what it feels like to not want to face someone after the relationship has gone wrong. I think for many people we would rather cross the street and hide in a porta-potty than see an ex-spouse in public. Henri Nouwen knew a little something about shame and embarrassment and the personal toll it can take.
In the books, Spiritual Direction and Spiritual Formation, Michael Christensen and Rebecca Laird pieced together formerly unknown writings from world-renown spiritual writer Henri Nouwen for publication. Going through his papers and unpublished works, it became apparent that he had been enamored with his friend, Nathan. This was public knowledge to some, but a true surprise to others. What stands out from these books is that Nouwen’s advances were rejected. The fallout was terrible. He had put himself out there and was shot down. Then because Nathan was his best friend, he lost his closest supporter as well. From that experience, he struggled for a long time with depression, even having a breakdown during his time at L’Arch. He wrote The Wounded Healer long before any of this happened. Perhaps he knew his own heart long before it manifested itself in such a distressing manner.
I see Nouwen as a perfect conversation partner for reading John 21. It begins with the story of seven disciples in a boat, but only three are given names in the narrative. All three disciples who are named, Simon Peter, Thomas, and Nathaneal, are the ones who have embarrassed or shamed themselves in front of Jesus.
We all are familiar with the story of Simon Peter. He seemed to walk with Jesus in a near-constant state of embarrassment and shame for all the years he traveled beside him. The version of the story begins early in Peter’s ministry. We find him sinking into the sea, being chastised by Jesus saying, “Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). If we fast forward the story to the time when Jesus tells the disciples that he will die, we see that this time Peter is the one who chastises. Jesus responds pejoratively, “Get behind me Satan.” It’s hard to think of a more hurtful response from a friend. Again, Jesus is arrested and Peter cuts off a guy's ear during the arrest, making it completely evident that he doesn’t understand what Jesus is truly about. Finally, he promises to die for Jesus, but then almost immediately denies him three times, revealing that he wouldn’t be able to live up to his promise. This week, out of curiosity I was looking up the timeline of Peter’s life online. In the search results, there was an article entitled, “Was Peter too dumb to write 1st Peter?” I didn’t read it because I didn’t think I could trust the source, but I couldn’t help but conclude that this might be a new level of embarrassment and shame. How awful it would feel to know that 2000 years later, you’re being considered too dumb to write a letter.
After Peter is named, we read the name Thomas. We have to admit that Thomas doubted whether Jesus could do what he said he would do. I have to imagine that if we place ourselves in the story with Thomas, we would find he still feels a little sheepish around Jesus. Perhaps he’s making weak eye contact. Maybe he’s a little quiet around him. He could be considering how we can make an excuse and go home.
Finally, there is Nathaneal of Cana. His embarrassment may have been a long time, but I assume it would still be one of those moments of shame that he thinks about often. He talked trash about Jesus before he ever met him. He hears from the newest disciples that the messiah has come to Israel, but he’s from Nazareth. Nathaneal quips, “Has anything good ever come from Nazareth?”
Nathaneal’s story reminds me the most of our time and place. People tell me all the time about texting a friend about the unfairness of a boss only to realize later they sent it to the wrong person, their boss. Or they send a text about a first date, meant to update a close friend about how the date is going. Again, they send it to the wrong person, the date who is currently sitting across the table!
The story also reminds me of my best friend who, once upon a time, had a girlfriend from Bakersfield, CA. He was merciless about his views on Bakersfield. She seemed like a good sport, acted like she was in on the joke, but one day she absolutely roared at him, almost shouting, “Bakersfield. Is a nice town!”
Jesus doesn’t shout at Nathaneal. When he finally meets him, he lets Nathaneal know he’s heard his disparaging words by saying, “Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit” (John 1:47). I like to think that’s a little joke because, if not, Jesus is really acting like a jerk. Joke or not, it would still be mortifying.
There are three knuckleheads fishing in a boat (which sounds like the start of a joke) and Jesus chooses not to deny or abandon them. Instead, he leans into the relationship and offers them grace when maybe they don’t deserve it.
I have to think their backgrounds, including these moments of shame, made them amazing pastors. Henri Nouwen wrote about wounded healers. The term the wounded healer comes from Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, who believed that therapists were driven to treat patients because the therapist was herself wounded and that the wounding was the driving force for wanting to help others. How would the wounds of the disciples drive them to help?
I love this story in John because it highlights something significant I believe about Jesus. It serves as a perfect example that Jesus never gives up. It doesn’t matter if we don’t understand. It doesn’t matter if we lack faith. It doesn’t matter if we lash out or even make fun of him. It doesn’t even matter if we deny him. Jesus never gives up. Never. In fact, when we hurt and disappoint him, he doesn’t even love us less, he just leans in more, saying, “Closer.”
That’s the gift of grace. It serves as a release valve, loosening the grip of fear, embarrassment, and shame. It makes it possible for us to have a closer relationship with God and all of humanity. I can’t help but see that gift present in the campfire breakfast with Jesus. Jesus took bread and fish and gave them to his disciples. Did you notice that Jesus had fish on the fire before Peter hauled in the 153 fish? He didn’t even need them to catch anything. That was just another gift for his friends. That’s us when we gather at the communion table. We don’t need to do anything to receive it. It is a true sign that Jesus never gives up, not on his disciples, not even on us. We come to the table, hurting, broken, wounded, I’ll write it again, wounded, and Jesus shows up every time and gives us what we need.